I have lots on my mind today - but that is a good thing!! I still feel like I am on a high from Camp - and I guess I will be for a long time - hopefully forever!! :)
I am working my last shift at work right now. As of today, I will officially unemployed for the first time in over 6 years!! I am very excited!!
I do want to talk about a topic today - the topic of DADS.
I grew up in a single parent home - just my Mom and I. I totally loved growing up the atmosphere and home I did, and I wouldn't change it for the world. That being said, there has been a 'hole' in my heart for many, many years where a Dad should have been. I've done some therapy kind of work to deal with the loss of growing up without a Dad, and I have totally accepted it.
One of the things that having an absent father has done in my life is that I didn't know how to act or interact with a man. That, I believe, is one of the reasons for my totally vulernability to the guy who sexually abused me in middle school. After that time, there was another man who took advantage of me in another kind of sexual way. I just had no idea how to act around them. From that time on, any kind of man interaction had some kind of sexual connotaion attached. I don't mean that anything sexual happened, I just mean that the only category I had for men involved a sexual element.
In the past couple of years, I have had 3 significant men enter my life in the 'Dad Role" - meaning they have chosen to 'adopt' me as their daughter.
I always thought that was incredible that a man would choose me as his daughter, when my own father wanted nothing to do with me since before birth. But, I didn't know how to receive that kind of love from a man. Until Camp last week...
I saw a Pastor and his daughter sitting outside talking, and it made something move inside me. I am always warmed by fathers and daughters interacting. So, I told the Pastor how it blessed my heart to see them talking because I grew up without a Dad and didn't have that kind of bond. He said, "Here, let me give you a Dad Hug." Those 2 words changed my life. DAD HUG. I suddenly had a category to be able to put Dad Love in!
One of the men at Camp was one of the ones who adopted me as his daughter about 3 years ago. We've always had a good relationship and we've talked about lots of things. But, the 'feeling' was wrong on my part, because I didn't know where to put male affection that wasn't somehow sexual - until the Dad Hug came along. After that, I was able to let that special man love me in a Dad kind of way.
I was up at the altar one night just sitting on the bench, and he came over and sat beside me. He didn't say anything to me but just rubbed my back. It was something that a Dad would do to his daughter. That was Dad Love in action. The next morning, I went to him and gave him the biggest daughter hug I could. I simply said, "Thank you" and walked away.
I've finally learned what having a Dad really is about. I finally know how being a daugther to a Dad is supposed to feel. I didn't have any of those "bad" feelings anymore - ones that I knew weren't supposed to be there. I have a sweet place in my heart for all those men in my life who have showed me Dad Love, even though I didn't know how to accept/receive it.
It feels so good to have that hole beginning to fill up.
I can't leave out my step-dad in this whole thing. He has showed me unconditional love in the purest and truest form. I just didn't know what to do with it. I am excited to see him and have a real place in my heart to put that love. I look forward to seeing another "Dad" that God has given me who said he would choose me for his daughter. While I was totally astounded when he told me that, I still didn't know what to do with it. Now that I do, I anticipate getting a Dad Hug from him.
It's only because I am finally understanding the love of God, my true Father, that I am able to give and receive father/daugher love here. God says that He is a "father to the fatherless." (Hosea 14:3). It wasn't until I felt it and it was explained to me that I discovered that the verse means that God will provide other men to be a Dad to those who don't have one. When I look back over my life, God truly has provided men to be that Dad to me... and now I can welcome them with open arms and an open heart.
